Close your eyes just settle...settle

Sat, 03 Dec 2005 20:34:26 GMT

I GOT MY LICENSE!!! YAY

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 00:15:38 GMT

And now you say that,
you say you love me.
Well I may have your heart,
she has your body.
And now you swear that you're being honest,
but you're not honest,
and you never could be.

Tue, 15 Nov 2005 00:14:38 GMT

I miss being really into/obsessed with music...i kindof dont get what happpend

feelings rushing back to me, im floored

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 12:48:57 GMT

You never looked so good
As you did last night
Underneath those city lights
There walking with your friend
Laughing at the moon
I swear you looked right through me
But i'm still living with your goodbye
And you're just going on with your life

How can you just walk on by
Without one tear in your eye
Don't you have the slightest feelings left for me
Maybe that's just your way
Of dealing with the pain
Forgetting everything between our rise and fall
Like we never loved at all

You, i hear you're doing fine
Seems like you're doing well
As far as i can tell
Time is leaving us behind
Another week has passed
And still i haven't laughed yet
So tell me what your secret is
To letting go like you did, like you did

Did you forget the magic
Did you forget the passion
Did you ever miss me
Ever long to kiss me

You, you never looked so good

took this from abby haha

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 20:37:37 GMT

Smiled?: today
Laughed?: today
Cried?: last night :-/
Bought something?: umm not sure acctually
Danced?: today
Were sarcastic?: all the timee
Kissed someone?: monday :-(
Talked to an ex?: umm...
Watched your favorite movie?: my birthday
Had a nightmare?: idk

A Last time for everything ...

Last book you read: speak
Last movie you saw: the others with Dan
Last song you heard: boyfriend- ashlee simpson
Last thing you had to drink: coke
Last time you showered: this morning
Last thing you ate: sandwich

Do You ...

Smoke?: yeah
Do drugs?: if pots a drug
Have sex?: yup
Sleep with stuffed animals?: i have them on my bed
Live in the moment?: yes deff...it gets me in trouble
Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: i still love him alot. but we cant be together
Have a dream that keeps coming back?: yes...god damn
Play an instrument?: no thank you
Believe there is life on other planets?: ahahhaha only when im high and on the beach with sheila and ben
Remember your first love?: yes...deff
Still love him/her?: i miss him as a friend. not as a boyfriend
Read the newspaper?: no
Have any gay or lesbian friends?: yes and i love them
Believe in miracles?: yes
Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?: depends
Consider yourself tolerant of others?: ehhh i have my days
Consider love a mistake?: not at all
Like the taste of alcohol?: yes ma'am a little bit to much
Have a favorite candy?: i love candy
Believe in astrology?: yes
Believe in magic?: nahh
Pray?: yes...when im very stuck in a situation. it helps me out. or at least i feel liek it does
Go to church?: not for a while
Have any secrets?: yes
Have any pets: nah...ben let me bird go :-(
Do well in school?: im getting better
Go to or plan to go to college?: plan to after highschool
Have a major?: when i get to college
Talk to strangers who instant message you?: nope
Wear hats?: nope
Have any piercings?: yess
Have any tattoos?: not yet
Hate yourself?: nah
Have an obsession?: no
Have a secret crush?: its no secret
Do they know yet?: yes
Collect anything?: nah
Have a best friend?: yes
Wish on stars?: naw
Like your handwriting?: sometimes
Have any bad habits?: lots
Care about looks?: to an extent
Boy/girlfriend's looks?: mehh
Friends and other people?: what
Believe in witches?: ehh
Believe in Satan?: yes
Believe in ghosts?: yeah

PAST

First grade teacher's name: sister ruth...a nun...god
Last word you said: fuck
Last song you sang: boyfriend haha
Last song stuck in your head: boyfriend

PRESENT

What's in your CD player: mariah carey
What color socks are you wearing: white
What's under your bed: nothing...just cleaned my room
What's the weather like: night fall day
What time did you wake up today: 6:30

FUTURE

Who do you want to marry: the love of my life
Are you going to college: yes
Where do you want to go: not sure
What is your career going to be: something not ordinary
Where are you going to live: somewhere warm
How many kids do you want: 2
Where do you want your honeymoon: not sure
What kind of car will you have: a nice one

a n g e r section.

do you have a quick temper?: yeah
what do you do when you're mad?: punch things, yell, cry, drink alcohol
what's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?: punched a wall so hard i basically broke my nuckle then drank 6 shots of vodka :-/
if you can take back time, would you have never said them?: i dotn regret or take back things...i learn from it all
ever made anyone cry when you were mad?: oh my god yes...im a bitch when im mad
do you curse when you're mad?: yes

c r y i n g section.

when was the last time you really cried?: last night
ever cried yourself to sleep?: yes
ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: yes
ever cried over the opposite sex?: all the fuckin time
do you cry when you get an injury?: yeah sometimes
do certain songs make you cry?: only 1
can you make yourself cry?: not really

p a i n section.

what's the hardest thing you've ever had to go through?: not being able to see my mom when i was 6 and not seeing my dad at all
what's the worst thing you've done to somebody else?: theres been alot of this
ever had a painful break up?: every break up i have had has been painfull
what about the old 'pain for pleasure'?: yes...god yes
how depressed can you get?: worse then i ever thought you could get
do you inflict pain on yourself?: no unless i punch things

h a p p y section.

are you normally a happy person?: yess
what can make you happy?: yes music
do you wish you were happier?: right now...yes
what makes you the happiest?: my friends and music
is being happy overrated?: not at all
what about being with your friends, does that make you happy?: god yes there my sanity
can music make you happy?: yup

l o v e section.

how many times have you been dumped?: a few
do you still have feelings for any of your old significant others?: yes..
did you ever love a guy, tell them that, and only got 'thanks' as a reply?: nope
has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'i love you' to you?: yes
ever stopped a relationship because they didn't say 'i love you'?: nope

h a t e section.

who do you actually hate?: a few people
ever made a hit list?: nope
have you ever been on a hit list?: not that i know of
are you a mean bully?: i can be
do you hate any one that breaks your heart?: i hate getting my heart broken...and i feel liek i hate them. but i dont
do you hate George Bush?: hah oh yeah

s e l f - e s t e e m section.

is your self-esteem extremely low?: in ways
do you believe in yourself?: i guess
when people say they think you are pretty, do you deny you are?: yup
are you one of those idiots that think they are ugly, dumb, and fat?: yup
are you happy with who you are?: for the most part
do you wish you can be someone else?: nah

HAVE YOU EVER:

prank called someone: yeahhh
been prank called: yeahhhh
fallen asleep in class: nah
been suspended since first grade: nope
been expelled: nope
seen someone die: no
flirty eye contacted someone in class: yup
fantasized about someone: yeah
trashed a hotel room: kindof
trashed someones home at a house party: ehh
worried about your friends? yes alot
had your friends worry about you? haha as of lately...yes

LAST PERSON YOU:

told them you loved them: Dan
complimented: not sure
spoke to on the phone: sheila
got an e-mail from: Dan
spoke to on-line: dave willmer
bitched with: many people
bitched at: i think courtney...im sorry
missed: dan...alot :-( i miss you baby
wished you could see them more: Sheila and Dan
wished you would see them less: my mom right now...
fought with verbally: idk probably my gay little sister
fought with physically: umm...not sure
had sex with: no comment
wanted to have sex with: dan
saw: my mom
swore at: my mom
laughed at: not sure

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 20:41:46 GMT

you dont seem happy...and to be honest. that makes me sad
im sorry if thats the case

2 days without you and im a mess

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 13:58:06 GMT

...you'll always be a part of me
ill be a part of you indefinatly...
boy dont you knwo you cant escape me
oh darling cuz you'll always be my baby<3

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 01:42:56 GMT

Im in a weird mood today
I feel like things are completely different
I look at how I was and who i surrounded myself with 3 months ago
and now its completely different
its weird how things change
Everytime I feel like things fit...they end up falling apart

i dont want this to fall apart<3

also i would like it to be known...i love sheila jarnes and always will and she is my best friend

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 00:32:59 GMT

is it bad that i really like school this year.
i have good feelings about life right now
oh yeah...and i love sheila jarnes alot
moving to plum island on saturday and i have the best neighbors ever haha fun times
oddly...i havent been this happy inside in a while

I just want you to be home<3

Mon, 05 Sep 2005 02:17:32 GMT

Im feeling alot better about life in general
I went through a very low point and i learned alot about myself and everyone else
Im glad all this shit happend because now i know
I am SOOO glad he is out of my life. and I feel better
I never realized how unhappy I really was until now.
everything happens for a reason, there must be a reason for this.
I acctually am happy schools starting. im done with summer right now
I want to acctually do good this year in school and step it up...even though I say that every year
i duno i want to have a better year i guess. all around

But yeah...from now on my journal is going to be Friends Only...comment if you want me to add you<3

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 14:19:25 GMT

By the time you get this message
It's gonna be too late
So don't bother paging me
'Cause I'll be on my way
See, I grabbed all my diamonds and clothes
Just ask your momma she knows
You're gonna miss me baby
Hate to say I told you so
Well at first I didn't know
But now it's clear to me
You would cheat with all your freaks
And lie compulsively
So I packed up my Louis Vuitton
Jumped in your ride and took off
You'll never ever find a girl
Who loved you more than me

I gotta shake it off
Cause the loving ain't the same
And you keep on playing games
Like you know I'm here to stay
I gotta shake it off
Just like the Calgon commercial
I really gotta get up outta here
And go somewhere
I gotta shake it off
Gotta make that move
Find somebody who
Appreciates all the love I give
Boy I gotta shake it off
Gotta do what's best for me
Baby and that means I gotta
shake it off

I found out about a gang
Of your dirty little deeds
With this one and that one
By the pool, on the beach, in the streets
Heard y'all was
Hold up my phone's breakin' up
I'ma hang up and call the machine right back
I gotta get this off of my mind
You wasn't worth my time
So I'm leaving you behind
Cause I need a real love in my life
Save this recording because
I'm never coming back home
Baby I'm gone
Don't cha know

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 12:52:30 GMT

i do not trust one person from this town...why do i always get screwed over...

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 02:41:29 GMT

i am very happy...<3 thank you for that
HAPPY 19TH BIRTHDAY BREN :-)

liars piss me off...i regret ever being with you after hearing all of this today. i never saw this coming from you, ever. you are pathetic and you should be ashamed. After all the shit i went through for you, you werent worth one second of it. you are just a cheater and a liar...end of story...you have some seriouse karma thats going to bite you in the ass

I feel better...

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 15:37:04 GMT

And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why, I can't keep my eyes off of you

this is making me happy

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 03:14:32 GMT

today, woke up and packed...that sucked then went downtown from 12-5, yeah gay
Went to Brendans house and hung out with him and then Andrew for a little bit
nice boys
just got home at 11

tomorrow....natick mall. hanging out with Brendan

i hope you fall off a waterfall :-) tee fucking hee

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 18:37:21 GMT

i wouldnt be half as strong as i am without my friends. you are my life/world. i love each and everyone of you

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 01:28:29 GMT

up and down and up and down
yes i hate that

daddys bringing me shopping tomorrow <3 happy..i need cloths/stuff
shopping always makes me happy

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 12:36:52 GMT

Yesterday was a really good day for me
Went to work from 12-5 then after patti came and picked me up
we drove around aimlessly talking about boys for about 2 hours
decided to go to walmart
then to visit her boyfriend RJ he was really nice
the we got coffee and went to pat winns house.
i hadnt seen him in a long time. I also saw Matthew there. that made me happy
i missed that boy
then we decided to leave. and came back to newburyport.
once there we met up with Sheila Lorna gas station boy and my future neighbor Kevin Mahoney
it was funnn
almost got in a fight with random kids...always fun.
I feel alot better even though i still hurt alot. Patti is awesome and i love her alot

today: working 12-5...visit, then my moms making me come home...really gay

monday: warped tour with Ben Victor and hopefully Sheila...that should be interesting.

i miss him :-(

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 13:25:44 GMT

you are my best friend and i love you beyond words...goodbye

Wed, 10 Aug 2005 17:30:10 GMT

i haven't been this stressed in sucha long time. Not only and i stressed out because of ben. But i find out today that we are moving the 25th of august...jsut to let you all know. that is in 15 days. and have my mom and i started packing...nope. my landlords suck. but yeah just to let you know i cant move into the new house until the 15th of september...so just to let you all know that is exactly 21 days of me not having a house. SWEET. im fucking homeless. then there is my mom giving me shit for everything in the world because shes stressed. SWEET. aparently i make her life hell. thanks mom. Ben broke up with me 2 days ago. going back out but giving each other space. im going to make this work. he is one of the only good things in my life and im not going to lose him. my dad like hates me. fucking sweet to. im not getting the job i thought i was getting. i really feel helpless. sorry im complaining i need to vent..no one is making you read this and i really dont get why people read my shit then leave comments without names. its pointless no one makes you read this. so if you think im gay for complaining then dont read it.

i really hate everything right now. and i dont want to be here anymore

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 21:51:12 GMT

im scared.

you break my heart into a thousand pieces and you say its because i deserve better...

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 04:56:06 GMT

i really need my friends right now. really badly.

i cant believe this is happening. i cant believe i didnt see this coming
i feel like an idiot.
i love you so much, i cant handle another broken heart. i really can't
im so in love with you Ben, i would do anything for you and you know that
we have been through so much. why are you giving up?

i hate myself

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 14:03:13 GMT

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together...I love you Benjamin Tyler Knight. Happy 5 month sweetie <3<3

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 03:27:13 GMT

wow fell on my head a litte bit to much tongiht.. my head hurts badly.
hangover? god yewa

Wed, 03 Aug 2005 13:47:46 GMT

Monday- Babysat from 10:30 till 3ish. Went to Bens grandmothers pool :-) and played on floats...it made my day by alot. Then went to shaws like 5 times. met up with Sheila, Risa, Lorna, and Courtney. Went to the beach. Ben, Court and i made a sick fire with our faggots :-) People acctually showed up. funny. rained pretty bad. We left went downtown. watched the police illegally search rose's sisters car. gay then went to Lindseys then went to sheilas.

yesterday- not even worth talking about it was so bad. 22 dollars in tips though

today- i think im hanging out with Alana, Nik, Louie, and Ben :-)

i want to hang out with risa...i miss herr already :-(

<3